I’ve recently found myself reinvesting in my engagement with Shabazz Palaces, a Seattle-based experimental and afrofuturist hip-hop collective led by Ishmael Butler of Digable Planets. My re-interest was sparked by their recently released music video for the song “Are You…Can You…Were You? (Felt),” which explores the ways in which our responses to feelings—physical, emotional and intellectual—are overshadowed by a repressive culture. In the first verse Butler raps, “my body traveled/ my mind waits behind the music,”—the physical way in which he engages with the world takes precedence over the way he can intellectualize and abstract it—and later on he states how an “Old school cat from way back” asked him “how he float[s] all sharp and always [has] a fresh one/ and seem to know the answer to the most proverbial questions,” to which Butler replies, “I find the diamonds underneath the subtlest inflections/ Aw, dude/ the spicier the food/ when you chew, fuck they roofs/ it’s a feeling.” Butler articulates the ways his poise, praxis and ideology come from a deepened appreciation and indulgence of his emotional processes. Undercutting the song itself is a bass-driven pulse; in the music video, synchronized with this bass-line, are quick flashes of bright, kaleidoscopic patterns, images of flowers and colors, all evocating the pulchritude of life manifest in isolated, framed bits and daily drama. Butler’s harnessed that pulchritude and made it his own, both as an act of political, but also artistic, social, and cultural rebellion. Whittling away the bullshit exigencies of modern life—anxiety-inducing time-restraints, the capitalistic drive to succeed and materialize a parochial, goal-driven self, pressures of conformity and depersonalizing communalism—is a herculean feat of which Shabazz exudes complete and total mastery—a mastery of emotional expression. It’s the ubiquitous pulse of the tactile and visceral—the blood surging underneath the concrete and spurting to the surface to reach your feet when your bare soles press against the burning hot asphalt—made aural and sonic. His integrity is admirable.
A few weeks ago, a friend who I hadn’t seen since returning from holiday and I had dinner, shared a drink, and caught up. We reminisced and dwelled on a mutual state of weirdness. Our fairly large friend group, though still physically intact, is symbolically fractured; we’re both braced for winter; our workloads are on one hand engaging, and on the other completely alienating and uninspiring. No longer is either of us interested in pursuing the same kinds of enjoyable yet completely emotionally and intellectually unsatisfying relationships we felt pressure to maintain last term. With the isolation of winter vacation came introspection and a healthy bit of metanoia, a concomitant of being both an angst-ridden, educated teenager as well as a critically engaged citizen. With freshness comes breaking away from the old: “Every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition.” Our cages are the stifling limitations of a pseudo-liberal intellectual environment, the yoke of defying racial stereotypes, the expectations of our parents, the expectations we place on ourselves. Expectation loaded with cultural stigma is the progenitor to self-doubt: its motive is neutralizing, anesthetizing, and, further, silencing.
This isn’t news. The manifest realities of systems of oppression are and have been—at least on their most cursory levels—hammered into the minds of most moderately educated liberal youths since the post-Civil Rights era. The lingering effects of those systems of power persist through the day to day interactions I and my friend have with our peers, from subtle micro-aggressions to flat-out confrontational and heated debates about the role of subversion in humor, what constitutes a genuine friendship, what true respect looks like. The casing of a seed that houses inequity and feelings of exclusion can’t benefit growth inasmuch as it can engender feelings of neglect and displacement. The prospect of breaking through that casing in the hopes of maintaining some strong sense of self uncompromised by fear is as feasible, in a depersonalized respect, as ridding one’s self of other poisons and hindrances like cigarettes for addicts and excessively checking locks for obsessive-compulsives. But we know it’s not that easy and Augustinian. Our feelings precede our desires to intellectualize at the risk of alienating. We can’t depersonalize and objectify our feelings and thoughts in the same we that any non-sociopathic person can willingly shut off their emotional or cognitive registers. We are not only empathic, but deeply felt creatures; feelings, of all kinds, resonate throughout our ontology.
And that itself is the rub: the burning itch of emotionality. The underlying politics and implications of that idea are harrowing. If I myself have been bruised by the confines of my surroundings, both internalizing and harboring their affects and impacts within me—my gait, visage, as well as my general disposition—how can I not bring a politicized emotional intensity to everything with which I engage? To what extent is it healthy to maintain and cultivate an identity that is, by its very nature, alienating? And to what extent is that sort of ontological intimidation simply an easy excuse to preventing multifarious forms of relationships and experiences? How is it that I, a black male of non-normative gender expression and behavior, who is, for all extents and purposes, politically aggressive, and who is, on the same hand, deeply connected to the people and world around me, am both repulsed by the idea of denying myself an emotional and intellectual integrity for the sake of ingratiating myself into a dominant, normative ranking, and horrified by the reality that such a praxis necessitates that I alienate and necessarily dispossess myself from others? How to fit within a paradox: to both dismantle the casing and allow the seed to grow from within, as well as outside of it.
“If they cannot love and resist at the same time, they probably will not survive.”
—Audre Lorde